Getting to be a big girl...

I have long dreaded the approaching birthday of Emma's. In just a few short weeks, she will be ten. That is double digits, and there is no going back. But as much as I am dreading the actual day, this summer has shown me, that in so many ways, my little girl is growing up. Now those of you that know me well, know that I am not really all that sentimental or nostalgic when it comes to my children and their milestones. For the most part I enjoy the stage they are in, and when they move on I enjoy the new stage, and am grateful for the things we have left behind. I didn't get emotional when each of my children has started walking, going to school, or any of those other stages. But with Emma especially I am the least emotional, and that isn't because I don't love her just as much, I just kind of expect her to grow up the fastest and mature, I really do expect a lot from her. But this summer has been a little different for me. I have realized how much she really means to me.
She spent two weeks away from us this summer. The first was at Disneyland with my mom, and the second was at Girl Scout Camp. (See above picture with her best friend Sage.) While she was gone those weeks I realized several things. First of all I didn't think I was really going to miss her too much, because I am used to having her gone at school, and all of her other activities. She really isn't around all that much. But having her so far away, and totally out of my realm of influence made me really miss her and very anxious and well. When she was at Disneyland I could call her pretty much anytime and that was better, but when I dropped her off at Girl Scout camp I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to her for 6 days. I was rather emotional after I got back in the car and started to leave. I was worried she would get homesick, or any other variety of things and that she wouldn't know what to do, and I had all sorts of visions of her being so upset and worried and not able to call us. As it was, she did great! She didn't even miss us all that much. She had a great time, and except for being a little lax in the sunscreen area, she fended for herself just fine. It really made me realize how much she doesn't actually need me anymore. She is very independent. Which is something I love about her, but it kind of made me wistful to realize just how independent she is.
On the other hand I also realized how much I rely on her to help me out everyday. Sometimes I get really upset at her because I feel like she isn't helping out around the house as much as she could, or because she whines when I ask her to help me with things. When she was gone I constantly found myself missing the things she normally helps out with and wishing that I could ask her to watch her brothers, and sister. That last 6 months or so she has really become my big helper and I rely on her help for lots of things.
She also is really starting to mature, physically, mentally and spiritually. I had to take her to buy her first bra (no one had better tell her I posted this on my blog, or she would be devestated!). I told her I had a special errand to run with her, and then when we got in the car and I told her where we were going, so got kind of quiet and sad. I asked her why, and she told me it was because she didn't really want to grow up, she wanted to stay a cute little kid. I wanted to yell, me too! I want you to stay little too! But instead I told her about all the wonderful things she will get to experience as she grows up. And that there are lots of great things to enjoy now, and look forward to later. And I assured her that she will always be beautiful to me, no matter how she changes.
I am so lucky to be her mom! I am so proud of my little girl! And it makes me think how old I am. I don't feel any older, but somewhere in there my precious little baby, started to become a young woman. I wish I could say that I am looking forward to the changes that are in our near future, but I'm not. I really wish I could hold onto my little girl for just a little bit longer. People always talk about how fast kids grow up, and I have felt that way all along, but the dramatic jump in how fast it is going now, really hit me by surprise. I am grateful for who she is, and the strong person she is, but I missing the little person that she was.